“You are not listening to me. You did not hear what I said.”
“I am listening, and I appreciate your feedback.”
“Well, that seems like a waste of time, because you did not listen to me!”
“I heard you. You provided great feedback, but that was not the only feedback I received. I am curious. Why do you keep telling me that I am not listening to you, or that I did not hear you?”
“Well... well, it’s because you did not do what I said.”
People say they want to be heard, but in reality, they want to be obeyed. Maybe obeyed is too strong of a word, but the reality is that many people are focused on the end result, and when that result differs from what they desire, it causes problems.
These problems tend to show up both at work and at home, and there’s a mix of contributing factors, including active listening and communicating and managing expectations.
Are You a Good Listener?
I was leading a training, and one of the icebreaker questions was: are you a good listener? Not surprisingly, about 60% of the participants raised their hands, indicating they were good listeners. The next question was how many of them thought their coworkers needed to work on becoming good listeners, meaning they aren’t good listeners now. About 80% of the same audience raised their hands. People tend to think they’re better at listening than their peers think they are.
The reality is that everybody can’t be an above-average listener. Research reported in Harvard Business Review back in 1957 found that right after listening to someone talk, the average person remembers only about half of what they heard, and two months later, about a quarter.
Part of the gap is how we judge it. Internally, we know our intent. We were paying attention, so we assume we were listening. Externally, the other person only knows what we reveal through our communication. That’s the difference between thinking you’re a good listener and practicing active listening. Active listening is how you reveal what’s happening on the inside, so the other person can see that you heard them.
What Is Active Listening?
Active listening is actively absorbing information while showing the speaker that you’re listening and engaged, then providing feedback that shows them they’ve been heard.
Here’s why that matters. We’re social creatures, and we thrive on relationships. One of the best things you can do for another person is show them their message is getting through. When people know you see them as more than a contributor, that you value them as an individual, they tend to give a little extra and go the extra mile. The research backs that up. In a Salesforce Research survey of more than 1,500 business professionals, employees who felt heard were 4.6 times more likely to feel empowered to do their best work.
Differing Expectations
Go back to the dialogue at the top. Both people walked out of the first conversation with an expectation. One expected their input to decide the outcome. The other expected it to inform the outcome. Nobody said that out loud, so the gap didn’t show up until the decision did.
It can work the other way too. When you’re the one communicating, the other person may hear your direction as a suggestion, not something you’re directing. They may hear a nice to do, not a must do. If it’s a must do, it’s incumbent on you to communicate it that way and make sure you’re both on the same page.
That’s why it helps to ask yourself one question before an important conversation: why am I talking? What do you want to achieve? If you need buy-in, have a plan. If you’re gathering input, say so, and say it’s one voice among several. Clear expectations up front prevent a lot of “you’re not listening to me” later.
Five Ways to Close the Gap
Know why you’re talking. Before an important conversation, ask yourself what you want to achieve. If there are action steps, communicate them clearly.
Listen to understand, not to respond. If you’re listening so you can make your next point, that leads to interrupting, and the other person won’t feel heard.
Paint a picture with their words. Not your words, theirs. Or listen for their key phrases so you can repeat them back and they know you heard them.
Confirm the interpretation, not just the words. Just because you said something doesn’t mean they interpreted it the way you meant it. Get feedback before you assume you’re on the same page.
Don’t mistake not doing for not hearing. When a decision doesn’t go your way, ask yourself honestly: did they not hear me, or did they just not do what I said?
People communicate because they want to be seen, heard, and understood. Active listening shows them they were. Clear expectations make sure everyone knows what being heard means before the decision gets made. Do both, and you’ll hear “you’re not listening to me” a lot less often.
And while this issue has focused on work, the same principles hold at home. It’s true with your partner, and it’s true with your kids. The next time a conversation starts heading toward “you didn’t hear me,” try them there too.
I want you to win by design.
— Dr. James Bryant, P.E.